Grief: 11 steps to see you through your journey.

To lose a loved one is never easy. To lose two, in a short space of time, that’s just confusing. One minute everything is okay and suddenly it feels like you’re on a ride at a theme park that got stuck just as it turned upside down and you’re unsure when someone will come to fix it.

My paternal grandfather passed away. 2 days later, we were told my maternal grandmother had become palliative and within the week, she also passed away. This is not an article of pity or to gain sympathy, it is to share what I learnt in the last month of my life — the thoughts that entered my brain and the mechanisms I used to cope with such a drastic change. If they help even one person mourn their loved one, my purpose here is fulfilled.

I write this as someone who feels she has a fairly decent understanding and acceptance of death. It’s inevitable — if we come in to this world, our physical body one day has to leave. This is not optional, it is obligatory. It is also probably for the best. The ageing process is inversely proportional to having the capacity to fend for ourselves, to maintaining our dignity and our independence. From cancer to cardiac issues, dementia to diabetes, the risk and incidence of all of these increases with age and thus, quality of life diminishes. Nonetheless, its always going to feel like we wish we could’ve done more on this Earth. One last country to visit, one last cup of tea with a friend, one last family event — there’s always going to be something worth waiting for and therefore, there never is a right time to go.

I can, for obvious reasons, only write about the people that are left behind. As for the deceased, I’d like to think their journey ahead is beautiful and blissful and that they truly can see all that they have left behind from a satellite view — if they’re anything like my grandparents, they’ll have left a legacy that they will be proud of.

Here are a few things I learnt over the last few weeks:

1. Face the emotion — sometimes you’ll feel nauseous, sometimes you’ll feel drained, heavy, confused, lack focus, sorrow, demotivated. Embrace every feeling, address it, cry it out if you need to. Going through it is what will help you process the event. Only if you feel that weight, that heaviness, will you appreciate the light.
2. Expect the unexpected — the smallest things can trigger you. From hearing a song they liked to eating their favourite chocolate. My first trigger was a few days in — we were at my grandfathers house and I went to throw a wrapper in the bin. Naturally, I reached to find the little bin by my grandfathers armchair but his armchair was no longer there. Something so little kept my heart heavy for the rest of that evening.
3. It’s okay to laugh — in the Hindu tradition, after someone passes away, the family come together for a fortnight to commemorate this person through prayers and rituals. This meant spending the last 3 weeks with my siblings and cousins which in this day and age, with all our commitments is rare. Through sharing memories and creating some new ones, we laughed and we cried, we felt happy to have all been together. Losing someone doesn’t mean losing yourself. In fact, the person you lost will be the happiest knowing you’re laughing, don’t feel guilty about it.
4. Celebrate their life — look through the memories, share stories, recap their history and journey. Why? It’ll show you just how much they did in their life and whilst they are physically not present, in some way or form, they will always be there.
5. Don’t feel obliged to meet social norms/expecations — it’s natural for people to reach out at a time like this. It’s actually really beautiful how people just come together but also bear in mind that it takes a lot of energy to socialise. Energy which is already in defecit. To explain what happened over and over and over again. It’s okay to tell people that you definitely appreciate them but that you’ll reach out when you feel more ready. It’s okay not to reply to a message or return a phonecall. Everyone understands.
6. Find your escape — the one thing you can do that makes you forget all else. For me, it is music. Both grandparents left their bodies in the middle of the night. Both times, I came home from the hospital/nursing home, sat in solitude and played a very beautiful yet heavy Raag Bhairav. It didn’t help me forget, but it did give me a sense of peace. Music, movement, running, art, baking — find something. About 5 days in, I felt exceptionally low. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I was getting frustrated, I felt angry at myself for lacking productivity. I reached out to my little brother, only to find he felt equally as low as I did that day so he joined me on a run. Game changer. As we ran, we spoke about our emotions, about when we felt okay and when we didn’t. Both of us felt brand new after 30 minutes of movement. If there’s nothing else you force yourself to do, do something you love, even if its for a little while, it’ll help.
7. Transparency — find someone you can be completely and whole-heartedly transparent with. To speak to, to cry to, to hug, to scream, to laugh — someone who just gets it. Be it a partner, a friend, a mentor, a family member, sometimes a stranger. Let it out and then compose yourself again.
8. Take every minute/hour/day as it comes — every hour changes. Every morning is different, every memory appears at a time when you least expect it. Yesterday, over 3 weeks after my grandfather passed, I drove past the hospital he’d been taken to A+E at. As my car stopped at the traffic light directly outside, it all came back. The vivid feeling of being in that car park at 1am, rushing inside, adrenaline pumping, eyes teary, certain that he only had minutes left. The car behind me horned, the traffic light had turned green and it was time to be back in the present. Power through it. Through every minute, every hour and eventually every day and trust the healing process.
9. Slowly add to your routine — its a messy time when you’re mourning and most practices go out of the window. That morning yoga, the smoothies for breakfast, the daily runs — the routine that kept you optimal. Let’s slowly bring it back. Even if its one small thing per day, it contributes to feeling slightly clearer. You won’t feel like it, but just try.
10. Drink water — we lose so much water through our tears, we don’t sleep well, we don’t eat well and so we already lack energy. Stay hydrated. It’s a small thing that goes a very long way.
11. It never goes back to normal — but adapt. In the Hindu tradition, on the thirteenth day we carry out a ritual after which everyone should ‘resume life as normal.’ I struggled with this, alot. How? How can it be normal when there has been this huge change? There is nothing normal about this — but it’s time to adapt. To start living life in a way where we continue to remember them, to take their teachings and implement these teachings in our daily lives.

Newton’s third law teaches us that every action has an equal and opposite reaction — this is not just applicable in physics but in life. As we are born we have to leave and just as we gain a loved one, we one day will have to lose them too. That doesn’t mean we end the journey we had with them, it just means the journey continues in a different way. It’s all a lot and it can be daunting at times, but know you have the strength within you to overcome this too. Also know that we are fortunate to being feeling this sorrow, for it means we had something precious in our lives that we will forever cherish. Think of them fondly and let’s continue their legacy, gracefully.